MOTHER FREAKING H.
I accidentally pressed the freaking back button.
Okay. Dear Matthew Ho,
I had it all down before. It was really long. And I started at 9:30 and it's now 10. Oh gosh. Beware: it's going to suck.
Okay. So, when I first met you, I thought that you were really cute and that you were really funny and a really cool guy. You seemed really cool to talk to. We talked so much before, when you were a freshman and I was in eighth grade. I'm sorry that I never really noticed your feelings before... I didn't notice mine because I was too naive to understand what I was feeling.
But, I did think about you these past two years. I probably always will, not everyday, but once in a while.
And then... we stopped talking. Why? Well, that doesn't matter because that's in the past.
When I heard that your grandparents were coming here, I kind of got excited, but I didn't want to get too excited. But when I saw you standing outside, I got so happy. I really don't know why. I started smiling to myself, I think. I don't remember.
So, you know, I acted myself. Then again, I'm myself all the time around whomever. You were really cool. I thought your mom was, too. And Alex is such a cutie pie! Anyways, you threw me off when you scooped my feet and let them rest on your ankles. And when you tickled me. And when you hugged me. I was like, "WTF? Okay."
I was pretty much happy that day. I really wanted to talk to you after that, but I was too scared that you would think I was stupid and annoying and a whiny biznitch.
Christmas 2008 was simply amazing. Staying all day in my clothes doing nothing but hanging out with my family and watching movies. Your text made it better. I can't believe you think I'm cute. HAHAHA. Wow.
When Elsie pressed that enter button, we pretty much just stayed there watching the screen for a good two or three minutes until I decided to go away. I was pretty disappointed, but that didn't really bring me down that much. But you IMed me that night! Like, wow. We talked and you told me about her. By the way, what the freaking h. I can't really say much about her because I don't know her and I barely knew you (again). Anyways, you made me squeal so much that night by saying that I was funny, smart, muscially talented, an awesome dancer, and amazingly gorgeous. Like, no one from the opposite sex told me these things.
Playing 21 questions - uhm, sorry, but 21 questions is where you ask 21 questions until you get the object the other person was thinking of - was a good idea on my part in my opinion. If we didn't play it, then we wouldn't have learned so much about each other. We also, most importantly, wouldn't have confessed to each other. Dude, when you were telling me what to feel when having a crush, you were naming everything I was feeling at that moment. I was pretty much like, "Oh, shoot. I'm crushing on you." You've made me so happy that night. And we pretty much established (kind of) "Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop" as our song. I pretty much think of you whenever I hear this song.
In conclusion, December 2008 and January 2009 were amazing.
Then February came along. I started freaking out because you weren't answering anything, my calls, texts, IMs. I felt like I was overreacting. Like, I thought about you and along with you came the question, "Does he still freaking like me?" But you reassured me by saying that it's hard not to think about me and that you'll always like me. You thought about asking me out a lot. Why don't you? I mean, we can overcome the one hour and a half between us. It's better for us to try rather than to go through our live regretting that we could've had something, right? Unless you don't want to experience what you did with her...
But you started pulling crap on me. Like, giving me stupid answers. Well, I interpreted them as stupid answers. Everyone I told said that they were suspicious. (I told only like... ten people about you.) This is probably a reason why I want to let go of you. I mean, you're never really forward with me sometimes. But that's just in my opinion. And I'm probably freaking out about this again. But I kept on thinking, it would be waste of breath for you to tell me all of these things. At the same time, I was thinking whether or not I was a rebound. I mean, you were getting over her and I just so happened to be there at the time...
Also, you end up going back to her. I'm not blind. You always end up talking to each other again. I mean, sure, I'm kind of upset about it and disappointed in you, but I can't do anything. I can't control your life.
I really wish I didn't stop talking to you online. That way, I would still have you with me...
Thinking about you everyday is becoming... well, not painful, but it's getting hard. It's so hard because I don't know what you're doing with me. I can't tell if you still like me anymore because... it's just not the same. No "cutie" or "cuteface." No extremely long conversations. No random texts from you when I randomly text you.
Like, I can't really go through my life these days like how I used to be because thinking of you is... It kind of hurts.
Also, thinking of you holds me back from... I don't know. Whatever comes? Ugh.
I really miss you, Matt. I miss you so much, I can't even handle it.
So, I'm letting you go as an interest. I really don't want to because I have this hope that maybe you will actually talk to me for once, but it's really doubtful because... I don't know. But, I don't want to let go of you as a person because that's the last thing I want to do. Like I told you before, I see so much potential in you to become someone amazing, someone better than who he was in the past. I don't want to be those people who walk into your life and end up leaving you because of something you did because that would make me the bad person and you'd end up being hurt. I'd rather stay with you until the end, even if you are pushing me away.
So, I guess this is good bye. Kind of.
I'll really miss you, Matt.
Love,
Raelene Osma
P.S.
Every time I look at this picture, I think of you and me in your dream. The two of us playing in the snow and smiling like the idiots that we are at each other.
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